As I’m in the ache of my heartache, tears streaming down my face, my chest tight and my breathing strained, my thoughts wander to writing a letter to you, the one enduring the hardship of divorce. I know you have made some life choices that at the time you made them were frightening. Even now, I can look back and reflect on how brave you were to make them, when you couldn’t see beyond the grasp of your hand. Only now I can confirm, they weren’t just seemingly scary, they were monumental! You became a fighter and fought hard to hold on with every ounce of courage you could muster. You exhausted each and every possibility and finally you had to let go and let God create in you what was needed to save your family, your children and your soul, but no longer your marriage.
How dare you! How dare you give up now, after all you’ve fought long and hard to gain! Yes, it will add years and pounds to you, but you will gain your freedom. You will also gain your courage, your voice, your sanity, and ultimately your independence. You will lose your marriage, your inheritance and the future dreams you thought would come to pass. You will soon see these were affordable losses compared to what would have been lost otherwise. Yet you must build once again. Out of the ashes, use the burning embers to build it yourself, but not by yourself. Remember God is holding you.
Hold onto the fact that each ache you feel now is only the building blocks of healing, because you are healing. As you create new dreams, you heal your heart from the fallen future of your past. How can you believe this is failure? If you tried to prevent death, are you not doomed? All that has taken place is an un-repairable rip in your life as you knew it, an unveiling where all your efforts, tears and possibilities were merely a mirage. This is known as life, not failure.
You are now in the desert of your life. There is heat and it can get pretty hot in this place. The temperature will suck you dry if you let it. You must not let it! Continue to care for yourself, be aware of your water supply, of the sun, the terrain, the monsoons, and especially your compass. Trust in yourself alone, the Nomads will be glad to lead you astray. Focus! Where are you going? What are your dreams? What must still heal? What do you say to yourself in the quiet moments of longing? Are you able to really be with yourself or are you running away, wanting to be as far from this desert as you can get?
It is easy to get lost in this place. You can walk in circles if you lose your compass, and end up right back here. Now is the time to focus; use your compass, your compassion, and your diligence to move yourself onward. The horizon will not change for you right away. Do not be deterred by this fact. It doesn’t mean you haven’t made strides and traveled quite some distance, although you’ll try to make it mean that at times. Take the time to look up and see the beautiful sunsets as you journey. Feel the cool sand beneath you in the moonlight as you rest. Remind yourself, the heat is only at its hottest once a day. Remember there is still life in the desert and life is always a gift!
Toni McGillen
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